Sunday, November 30, 2008

Until Then

Discipline from the Father
Suffering like the Son
Growing in His image
Christ, You are the One

I love You

Keeping me from falling
Barring me from sin
Molding me to serve You
Christ, You let me in

I love You

Rejoicing in Your mercy
Waiting for the day
Weeping 'till I see You
Christ, You are the way

I love You

So keep me persevering
Comfort me in pain
Find me in Your lifebook
Sing with me again.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Get Behind Me

This is war!
plain and simple
and my opponent thinks he has me defeated
because I am dragging through the mud
bones broken and badly bleeding
slipping, falling into mines
that batter
bruise and
beat me
until seemingly...
I can't go on.
Yet he gapes in furious wonder
at every arduous step
one foot
in front of
the another
step
step
step
d
r
a
g
g
i
n
g
plodding,
PUSHING on
through the mud
against the assailant's arrows
beyond the impossible terrain
DRIVEN from within
by the Unstoppable Force
the Spirit of the Great Conqueror
to certain victory
forever.
IT IS FINISHED
so get behind me satan.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Tiny Candle

One candle in a thousand flames
do you even see it burning?
Surrounded by the light of those
whose lives just keep on turning.
Touching one and reaching out
to meet and find the light,
the candle slows to flickering
near fading out of sight...
Heave! and push! and blow up big!
send sparks into the air!
silent screams for victory
yet,
no one seems to care.
The candle keeps on burning
keeps on burning burning long,
almost snuffing out and yet
forever burning on...

Precious candle, small and blue,
it's I who light your fire.
I see you lost within the throng
but still you're My desire.
Your tiny wick aglow for Me
is surely not concealed,
though many seek the pompous flames,
for you, My love's revealed.
Don't give up or burn in vain
thinking that I do not see.
I ignite you from within,
My candle, Mine at Calvery.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Engine of Torment

It hits me and wrecks me
again and again.
Each time I move forward
I'm smacked by the train.

The engine of torment
its deadly impression
crushing my spirit
relentless depression.

The sorrow and anguish
cut deep through my core,
a grief like bereavement
I cannot take more.

I cry out please Father
"Have mercy on me!"
He replies once again
"My grace covers thee."

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Where I am

So many times I've been on the run
chasing freedom, back to the sun,
soul glancing to the skies
knowing You are with me.
Its so hard to calm my mood,
and find a place of solitude
to escape the bonds of man
those who demand
and demand and
demand
and so I run
and run and
run
knowing You are with me.
Desperate just to find a place
where I can cry without disgrace
free from disappointed eyes
I flee for You are with me.
And though I long to leave the pain
I know I must return again
I will survive both near and far
for where I am,
there You are
and always You are with me.

You

You are

E Eternal in the
V valley
E Enduring on the
R ridge -
Y YOU.
W Why do You even bother
H healing such a worthless
E ewe?
R Relentless in persuit
E Emancipation for the wicked

You.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Precious Wretch

Precious wretch
riddled with sin
My Holy Spirit safe within

You are hollow
emptied of you
I fill you up and make you new

You're a liar
desperate for love
I shower you from up above

and You're My sheep
in love with your Shepherd
I've conquered the adultrous leopard

and I give LIFE
envelope you
and do the things you cannot do

Friday, November 21, 2008

Wretched Sheep

I'm a wretch
riddled with sin
spilling over from within

and I am hollow
emptied of me
devoid of hope, unable to breathe

I'm a liar
desperate for love
though I'm showered from above

and I'm a sheep
in love with a Shepherd
while dancing with a leopard

and I feel death
envelope me
when I forget that I am free

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

hear My song

broken daughter
child so blue
please remember
that I hold you

the things of old
are yours to take
prophetic words
yours for My sake

please remember
that I healed
all for you
it's been revealed

walked on waves
knelt on stone
I did those things
for you alone

your heart in Mine
so please hold on
while you cry
please hear My song

my notes of love
from times of old
My life and death
for you retold

Falling Apart

desperate and shaking


she sought the
quiet side of the bathroom door
and sank to the floor


with the weapon
and the end of her rope
firmly in hand


she'd been here before
and she always shrank back
but tonight

He would have to take the matter
out of her hands

That stunted club
raised high above her head,
poised and full of dread,


Rage and pain rushing down
and coming to BLOW


upon the air...

upon the air...

not her dare

but the air

where the weapon hit
His invisible hand
outstretched before her body

and it feel apart


and all she heard was the shatter
of the matter
in pieces at her feet.


And she feel apart.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Tug of War

You come and go, destroy me so
Each small embrace, I crave your face
You tease and taunt, and make me want
your sweet embrace, my vice disgrace

And then I hear, a voice so dear
The one who waits, despite my traits
I know His love, is from above
so torn am I, with sorry eye

You pull me down, until I drown
My heart, I'm weak, Relief I seek
Can't stand the pain, give in again
Then fall in shame, no rights to claim

He lifts me up, and fills my cup
No face have I, and so I cry
He gently rights, my reds to whites
Deserving none, my feet they run

In illness fall, and then you call
my vice, deception, skewed perception
glittery, you're death to me
My dying hope, and so I grope

With arms to Him, weak and thin
I see the light, He clears my sight

And weighing me, upon my feet
You tear me down, and break my crown

I ache for Him, not you but Him

You idol toy, not safe, destroy

Tug of war, inside my core
It's Him I want, but you that taunts
I'm not dead, but Him instead
The war is won. Praise God the Son.

Predator

I am waiting for you

to fall off your feet
to make a wrong turn
to take your eyes off of His face

I am lying in wait

to prey on your pride
to ride on your lust
to drive a wedge into His grace

It is my desire

to see you in bonds
to cause you to suffer
to wrap your life in my oppression

You have no idea

that I hunt you down
that I crave your blood
that I am behind your depression

So keep closing down

your ears to His Word
your eyes to His might
your heart to His love-stricken voice

I don't want you to know

that you are His love
that you are forgiven
that between us, He gives you a choice.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Turn Back, Precious

My daughter, love, what have you done?
I told you back when we'd begun,
To hide in Me. I'll never leave,
my precious Jewel, yet still, I grieve.

I see you shaking, curled up tight,
bruised and broken, lost the fight.
I move to comfort and you run.
My daughter, why? We've just begun.

When you're hungry, first you seek
the empty poisons... you're so weak
and run to lovers poised with knife
to kill, destroy your precious life.

And glancing back, you shed a tear
because you see I am still near,
because you know I love you SO.
You need me precious. Please don't go.

I spoke to you the other night,
when day was done, by firelight
when you were just about to fall
I held your hand. You felt so small.

I know you heard your whispered name.
I weep for you, you feel such shame.
That shame, it angered Me to death!
I bought your freedom, gave you breath.

So breathe my precious, breathe in Me,
together we'll forever be,
souls entwined and love so sweet.
You, My child, My heart complete.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

If it's DARK, It's almost DAWN

When black, smothering darkness settles,
devoid of dingy shafts of hope -
a gloomy, grimy, indistinctness,
inky, rayless, slippery slope -

watch your step this nebulous hour,
bleak and lurid, dense and glum,
lightless, hopeless, black oppression -
Hold on, dear one. The hour has come.

Enter dawn with glittering glory,
brilliant, shining, radiant Son
ablaze, alight, aglow with freedom...
the beaming, dazzling day's begun.

It will not end, the golden brilliance
Bright, luminous, gleaming space,
Lustrous, shimmering, vivid Sonlight
infusing PEACE, resplendant grace...

So hold one, dear one, hold on.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Reality

The nightmare is not the illness,
with the night sweats and vertigo
every time you try to lift your head.

The nightmare is not the circumstance,
with the yelling and merciless abuse,
even though you try to lightly tread.

The dream is not the substitute,
the thing that relieves the pain
but becomes an addiction that binds.

The dream is not the world,
and the acquisition of everything in it.
Riches bring ills of many kinds.

Reality is not what you perceive,
the things you see and hear and touch,
for gone, these will all one day be.

Reality is beyond this veil,
and one day we shall all stand bare
to give account to God Almighty.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Beware

Depression without Christ
will turn to sin,
the wounded seeking ways
apart from God
to fill the overwhelming hole:

Shopping
Drinking
Dating
Marriage
Drugs
Writing

The Lord seeks to be
first
in your heart.
While some of these
in themselves are good,
(for who can give up the pen?)
they will turn to
idols of destruction
that lull you
into thinking all is well
when really
all will be hell
forever.

And Christians beware,
for you are not exempt
from the temptation
to construct a wooden doll
upon your mantlepiece.
Remember, depression is
an opportunity
to hide in God
and experience
His miraculous provision
for those
who seek Him.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

For all Time

For all time,
there is

One God, who saved
Two of every kind of creature.
Three persons of the Trinity, who created
Four headwaters.
Five loaves that fed five thousand, in His hands.
Six days given to work, and the
Seventh day given to rest, in

One God
who loves

One sinner
Two persons in a marriage
Three roommates in a campus bar
Four children at the park
Five sailors on a barge
Six players in a poker game, and,
Seven times seventy times will He forgive all,

for all time

because of the
One sacrifice

of His
One Son,

my
One God,

and my
One hope

for all time.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Northeaster

The glorious ship from Egypt
the Alexandrian,
loaded with grain and hundreds of sailors,
was my caravan of trade and commerce
headed to Italy, to make lots of money.
Along the way we met
Julius the centurian,
carting some prisoners
over to stand trial before Caesar,
so I took them aboard.
Why not?
Among them was Paul,
who could have been set free, I was told,
if he hadn't prematurely made his appeal.
What a fool.

It was getting late in the season,
but I knew my ship - she was hardy.
The Romans they used to say,
"To sail after mid September is doubtful,
and after mid-November -
suicide,"
but what did they know?
We had a bit of rough going, sure,
but I found what I was looking for,
the gentle southwind...
...and we set sail along the coast,
(against Paul's warnings
and religious ramblings)
seeking the harbour that would protect my
beautiful Alexandrian
until March, the end of winter.
Julius was on board.

But that precious southwind was
an adulterous liar,
enticing me soothingly
while she slept with the Northeaster,
the Northeaster
whose rage fell upon us as a jealous husband
whose territory had been violated.
We had no business in those waters,
for he came sweeping down from the island of Crete,
a typhoon with hurricane force,
and we lost all hope of standing our ground
being driven along
in terror.
We sailed with all our might
tossing the cargo overboard,
dragging the sea anchor beneath the ship's tackle
which I flung over the side with my own hands,
my precious mainsail becoming
another hopeful brake for my Alexandrian.
The sun and the stars hid for many days
until we gave up all hope of being saved.
In desperation
we had passed ropes under the ship
to hold her together,
not knowing that
the smallest detail
would keep her afloat:
that we had Paul,
and Paul had God.

Fourteen days and nights
we did not eat,
but lived on adreniline and suspense
praying for daylight.
Who was I praying to?
Finally we sensed we were nearing land,
and the soundings confirmed it.
Some sailors tried to escape on the lifeboat
we had nearly lost to the storm,
but Paul,
who claimed to have angels speaking to him,
warned Julius,
"unless they stay, you die."
Julius was on board,
and the soldiers cut the ropes.
And then Paul did the craziest thing...
he opened the remaining grain,
the lifeblood of the Alexandrian,
and drained her to the ravenous men,
urging them to eat,
while giving thanks to God.
And my Alexandrian died,
dashed to pieces by the pounding surf
on a sandbar when daylight came.
But every disoriented sailor
survived
because we had Paul,
and Paul had God.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Laugh

The depressed, they
L Laugh
A at
U unfelt
G glee,
H hiding their desire to flee,

for who wants to see them

C Cry,
R Retched tears stored up from
Y years of wanting to die?

And Christians are the

W worst -
O owning everything
R rightfully God's,
S showing straight-faced strength
T they think they ought to have,

but don't,
for the victory is

H His.
I Incredibly given, but
S solely His.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Like Fire

I can't survive this
broken life,
one more round.
I'm beaten down
over and over
and
over
I wish it were over...
I push my
bloodied face
off the floor and
he beats me down again
with His words
like fire
R I P P I N G
through my
soul,
shredded and bare.
I know You're there
why else would I be
here?
It's almost a joke,
a cruel punishment,
that every time
I want to lie down
and stay at
the bottom of this ring,
You pull me up again
for the 4 spectators -
little boxer
apprentices -
at each corner
of this battleground
and I can't let them
down.
Condemned to life -
that's me,
in this ring
dead on my feet
fighting with your
hand in my glove,
and I know
I'm not going
to lose it
here.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Desperate

To my left
in shifting shadows
three accusers
glared at me,
Desperate to
descend the gavel,
choking out
my right to be.

I knew this had to
be a dream,
for I was told
to make no sound,
but close enough
to feel His warmth,
my One defender
held my ground.

His presence 'whelmed me
with His glow,
A tangible, pervading
...love...
filling me
beyond the night,
a mercy message
from above.

Awake, the darkness
marks the day
and deep despairing
hems me in,
seeking desperately
to ever,
once more
fall asleep in Him.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Jesus wept.
Silent tears
streaming
in tandem with my own,
and I
am not alone.

Friday, November 7, 2008

The Fourth Watch

This lake
living far below the sea,
is the ambition of nature,
a fertile ground giving life
and livelihood to
all who are born into it.
It was the perfect climate
to give rise to myths and legends...
but this is no myth.

We gathered round for evening prayer
and boarded the wooden craft
upon a surface glistening
a silver path to Capernaum.
The silence reflected in our minds eye
the hours spent
shepherding crowds of lost sheep
and mourning the baptist
whose blood still runs through
the heart of the Jordan
into this lake.

It was the fourth watch.

It was the fourth watch when
down from the eastern heights,
funneling through the valleys of the hill country,
the rushing squall met us.
And soon we were straining at the oars
begging for forgiveness,
one passenger short -
the One we left on the mountainside to pray,
the One who fed us
and thousands more this day.
I could not understand, but now I know.

Fighting the ten foot waves,
losing the battle,
I tossed my oar to the charging wind
toward a shadow appearing steadily,
w
a
l
k
i
n
g
across the waves
towards us
and into the boat
that had reached its destination
on a calm silvery lake.

He will come again during the fourth watch
when the sun will be darkened and the moon
will not give it's light.
At that time, His sign will appear in the sky,
and begin to shake everything out,
as it did that night.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

In a Ragged Manger

Taste this bread, this bitter loaf,
cold and hard, unleavened.
My only food from day to day,
like manna straight from heaven.

Touch this cave, my prison walls,
a cold and dirty darkness,
with lions preying on my flesh,
whose teeth have lost their sharpness.

Hear the cries that mark my breath,
a constant sobbing stranger,
like the Babe whose mother placed
Him in a ragged manger.

Smell the stench of rotting clothes
that bind me up for death,
the graveclothes that my Lord removed
when Lazarus drew breath.

See me raise my feeble arms,
to praise the suffering tide,
For while I ache, I understand
just how and why He died.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Its a pity people think suicidal people cry wolf,
when they say over and over, they want to die.
Perhaps the timing wasn't right
or they thought they saw a glimmer of hope,
when at first their despair brought someone to move
close to them and tell them they were
worth
the trouble.
Problem is the sickness doesn't just go away
and there came another day, when they cried again
and then weren't worth the inconvenience
for they didn't learn their lesson the first time
and if they didn't do it then, they won't do it now.
Its no crime to be depressed,
but it is a crime to be alone,
punishable by death, insanity by isolation,
like crucifixion
boy does the punishment fit the crime
He brought life, so kill him.
She wants love, so leave her.
When the suicidal monster asked, please help me
the lover became the warden, and had to go fix dinner.

When Christians Cry

Why can't Christians be depressed?
We have emotions like the rest.
In fact, it's God who made us thus,
to think and feel and smile and fuss.

And don't blame God and say He's bad
because I'm broken, lost and sad.
He made us perfect in those days.
It's SIN that butchers all His ways.

Earthquakes, bombs, why war and death?
This SIN disease that marks our breath.
It makes me sick until I cry,
I'm drowning God! I want to die!

But don't you scoff. I know He hears.
The only One to wipe my tears.
All of you just me despise.
You ooze disdain with haughty eyes.

And some of you take "pity" on
this poor "Christian" who sighs so long.
Forget the knowledge you must share.
I need a hug, some simple care.

Don't tell me not to be depressed!
Forgive my God, who knows what's best.
I may be cured, or I may die,
but God sheds tears when Christians cry.

foreshadow piece

It fell apart...

That stunted club raised high above her head,
poised and full of dread,

Rage and pain rushing down and coming to BLOW

upon the air...

with crushing force
and all she heard was the shatter
of the matter

in pieces at her feet.

And she feel apart.

God of Pain

God of Pain

You Christins break the rules,
I see you sinning all the time!
Just look. This one is smoking,
and those priests. Ugh. What a crime.

Don't you know you should be perfect?
Look at you, you are depressed!
I thought Christians were all happy.
You think you're better than the rest.

You say, Scott, we are forgiven.
We're forgiven. Don't you see?
But all I see is disappointment,
what I call hypocrisy.

Your depression, it takes over,
'till you can't get out of bed.
Can't your Jesus come and fix you?
Can't He lift your weary head?

Yeah, My Pa, he was a "Christian",
and he had no time for me.
The taste of truth is much too bitter.
He was God to me you see.

My ma... I prayed to Jesus,
please, to heal her of her fever.
Yet she left and I lost hope.
How could He be the Great Reliever?

Besides, your Master, He was broken.
He was nailed to brutal wood.
Just to love me? As my dad should?
I'd believe it if I could.

I'd believe it if I wanted
but I see you long to die.
I see you suffer through depression,
yet you're here, and I ask why?

You're in anguish nearly always
Yet your faith has worn your knees.
God of pain, He leaves you living.
God of rain, your pain is eased.

You say to be a true disciple,
you must suffer like your King,
to be made into His image.
I don't like that sort of thing.

I suppose if you believe it,
that a soul could learn from crying...
that a perfect God would love you,
and a loving God went dying...

I suppose if I could have,
just a little of your stuff...
How I see you truly dying
yet you think that God's enough...

Perhaps I could rethink my thoughts
and take His gift to me,
But my knees are stiff from pride.
I'd have to break to bend the knee.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

jesus - hook

J Justifying,
E encouraging me to be
S something largely more than me.
U unable and ill, He loves me
S still.

O Often I'm crying,
F fearful and dying.
N No one sees this pain, I'm
A abused again, and
Z zealous not for the things of God,
A acting out no christian desire and
R running to the fire, but He
E ever weeps for me
T trading my soul for
H His