Friday, October 31, 2008

One more thing, she says
I found this in your bag
This wrinkled old paper
old ink across the tag
from when we were going somewhere together
when we met on the shores and we talked
and i looked at you
pleading eyes,
you never looked in mine
I studied the side of your face
the stubble upon His work of grace
No one knew you , understood
I defended you and kept you good
i did not see the man they saw
they saw not the man beneath the jokes
or maybe that was what i thought
some truth in there i never payed any attention to
but i love you and i'm loyal still
for all you do you've never betrayed me
unless you count the times you strike me
across the heart when you were mad
i love you still and won't be sad
if i am sad, you are hurt
needing to be protected
wounded boy so sensitive
kind and caring when you are loved
defensive because of when you were beaten
yet i am no beater, looking up to you
wanting your love, your eyes
protecting you
perhaps i always sought your eyes
to make them turn my way
when no one else could. they did not see your cheek
the strong jawline twitch when they hurt you again
the man within, the boy
the one who couldn't live for joy.
the one God saved. the one He loves.
and I love you too.
You love me. I know it even when you hate me
when you regard me as gum on your shoe
scraping me off, chewing me up again
but you love me
when you spit me out, you know i'm still there
you don't know my hurt because you
don't look in my eyes
how can you see?
these eyes of mine searching for you
to turn your gaze upon me
even if to strike me again
look at me, please
I imagined that you looked at me, when you asked for my hand
and though you clutch it tightly, do you see me?
you keep me firmly in your crushing grip, do you see me?
i never knew the pain it would be
to live without your eyes.
i will take your abuse, you hold my hand
i will feel your bruising blow, i imagine you understand
who else will love me if not you
it is me who is to blame it's true
maybe not always but i wonder if you could ever make me leave?
hit me, punch me, kick me, give me something
to make this pain real, and not just an empty ache in my heart
you leave me with nothing.
for we are yet unseen, no one sees us
am i safe in your arms? is there danger?
yes, real danger, real pain. when will you love me again?
did you ever trust me? am i the shrew you knew you knew?
i love you and i want you
to look into my eyes
please stop hurting me
stop loving me with your fists, and look into my eyes
if you are going to keep stabbing me
could you do it for real so that i'm not just crazy?
so that its not all me, so that its not
all me who deserves it? stupid wench
i ache to see your eyes
the longer you love me the more you leave me
what have i done to hurt you? i serve you
you lock me up so no one can see
you don't even see because
you don't look this way
then you know what you know
and you know that i'm not leaving,
or perhaps you think i will and that's why you
hold me so tightly, crushing me
then caressing me
then crushing
caressing
keeping me far enough from anyone else
no place to go to escape
when i don't want escape
i want your eyes

dying

Help me please, Alone again
I cannot change this, cannot win
I'm aching just to feel Your love
to feel acceptance from above
I feel my sin, so sick am I
A deadly ill come over I
Find me not in solitary
Weeping still involuntary
Begging God to end this walk
please send someone so I can talk
Quietness it's own disease
Killing me, oh hear my pleas.
Forced to keep it to myself
Locked in the cellar by myself
No light of day, no window pane
No warmth to feel, just endless rain
He holds the key and hides it well
To keep me locked up in my cell
I can't get out, and if I try
I pay the price, and live to cry
Hear me God, have mercy now
Its hopeless for me, worthless cow

lonely one

Fighting back a lonely wave
Washing o'er a mask so brave
Music echoes 'round the place
No ears to hear, just filling space
Perched upon a stool I write
Inkwell pooled with soul's life-light
Trembling hands they draw the words
And paint a picture never heard
Searching for a heart to hear
to love the author and draw near
Heavy waves cresting forth
Pushing 'way the solid earth
No place to stand, can't see the sun
Ever searching, lonely one.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

I do not know what I should do
My heart it aches to see this through
And yet I know that You have plans
And keep me safely in Your hands
I call on You, I do, I do.
No strength have I, lest I have You.
My tears have bathed the book in pain
Your blood has washed me like the rain
I beg for You, I need Your grace
Your love to fill me in this place
Your love forgives my deepest sin
I must forgive. Let love begin.
The time has come, to face my fear
Please hold us close, there's danger here.
The battle rages, beating down
To overcome us, make us drown.
She held my face between her hands
And danced with me, I could not stand
Your love she gives and shows me how
to love another here and now
My friend you tell me, face the skies
Take a stand and lift my eyes.
For love must know the pain it brings
Rough caresses, love it stings
Alone I stand and no one knows
For how such love can come to blows
I'm weak I tell you, face the skies?
I cannot even lift my eyes.
My shame it follows where I go
For I deserve the pain I know.
I'm sorry I have let you down
Let you down, and let you down.
I love you so and long to please
But I am worthless, and diseased.
I'm sorry that I've let you down
I've let you down. I've let You down
I'm sorry that I've let you down
My shame it follows, lets you down
I'm not your hero, shameful life
I've let you down, no hero's wife.
no strength to fight, no way to turn
I have to learn

Thursday, October 23, 2008

I read Your Word
It spoke to me,
Yet I am broken
a wetch you see.
You know my sins
And know my scars
You love me still
remove these bars

Monday, October 20, 2008

Abandonment

Why do I fear you leaving me?
Walking off and bleeding me?
Naked before you, I stand bare.
Abandonment, I've had my share.
The ones who are supposed to be,
unconditional to me,
Have tied their love to threads so thin,
I cannot hold them, cannot win.
They choose their way, by whim and will,
And threaten me, my heart to spill.
I'm tossed about by sheer neglect,
by raging storms and disrespect.
They know what's best, apart from me.
Abandoning and bleeding me.
Then coming back to taunt and tease,
The ups and downs too much, so please,
Just stay or go. Please stay, don't go.
I can't be close, can't be alone.
My fear has cut me off from you.
Stop pretending. You can't be true.
Alone I stand. Alone I fall.
I cannot take this. Not at all.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Small and Sick

How small am I
that shuffles by
pride unbroken
madness spoken

I think I'm big
mud-caked pig
ant so tiny
ranting, whiny

How great is He
that conquered me
Condemned my sin
and let me win

the surgery
that made me clean
splashed blood on Him
infectious sin

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Pen and Poet

Life is a verse
and God is the Poet.
Love is the pen
And the means which we know it.

Like Father, like son
As a parchment on fire,
The pen is the sword
in the hand of His hire.

A fluttering quill
in the hand of His creature
is mic in the palm
of the bottled-up preacher.

Ink is the lifeblood
His Son is the well.
Love is the story
the Author must tell.

The Source and the Simple
A duet of prose,
The Simple forgiven
when Poet arose.

The poetry finished,
it's message fulfilled.
The preacher still preaching
'till all has been stilled.

Life is a verse
and God is the poet
The pen is the heart
and the means which we know it.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Like My Peter

Like Peter on the waves that night
My heart beats faster, fears give flight
My gaze is fixed upon your Face
My feet hold steady, fears give chase
All around the storm grows higher
Your gaze afixed on me inspires
Port in the storm, Light in the night
You held my Peter, fears give flight.
But move my eyes from Your sweet hold
The water climbs and I am sold
Drowning under waves of fear
I'm cannot breathe and death is near
Do not let me look around
For You alone are solid ground.