Saturday, December 27, 2008

My Child

My tiny babe
as I gaze upon your face
your breath so new
a work of grace

My soul swells
longing to impart
the Breath of Life
upon your heart

My child
as you wrap me in your infant hands
tender and soft, revealing
the Father's plans

My eyes well
longing to behold
the Prince of Peace
upon your soul

My little one
I'm overcome with love for you
precious gift from
He who is true

My heart aches
longing to inscribe
the Word of Love
upon your life.

Hung Up

It's enough
to hear your voice
on occasion

though it rings
through my heart
off the hook

It's enough
to see your face
when the moon is blue

your haunting eyes
search
every synapse of my mind

There is a new way
to survive
the tide of your love

for I've been forgiven
of the ache in my soul
when you tread my thought

and I grant you pardon
and beg Him often
release these chains

Let not the tears
wash me away
from the breath of life

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Twirl You Laughing

Little one
the time is come
for recesses and monkey bars

Soon the day
will give its way
to Jesus coming through the stars

Run and sing
push high the swing
rejoice and lift your hands up high!

your Father comes
to you He runs
will twirl you laughing through the sky!

laugh with joy
my little boy
delight yourself in all His ways

Jesus loves you
soon will hug you
clap your hands and sing His praise!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Treasure in the Lea

Cloverleaf, Cloverleaf
one, two, three
Picked from the garden
under the tree

Hiding in the patch
is the fabled lucky four
a velvet clover tri-leaf
with one petal more

Cherub chubby smiles
are becoming long of tooth
searching through the field
oh! the the treasure heart of youth

Round green petals
amassing in the lea
tiny hands a-panning
one, two, three

Saturday, December 6, 2008

perpetual

It's different this time
it's here to stay
can't escape
perpetual gray

If only it
were like the rain
soothing and not
perpetual pain

A colourless fog
I've lost my sight
Can't find the day
perpetual night

I hate this
please let me go
let me go free
perpetual no

again again again

on and on and on it goes
where it ends noone knows
run and run and run and run
find myself back where i'd begun

look around, there's no one here
empty space, no atmosphere
scream and cry and yell and wail
no ears to hear, no heart to fail

round and round and round I roll
out of control, out of control
try and try and fall and fall
empty space, I call and call

Alone, alone, alone alone
Behind a glass, as tough as stone
seeing me, they think i'm there
trapped beyond, i'm here, not there

cry and cry and cry and cry
alone i live, alone i die
the pain, so real, it doesn't end
it's here again, again, again.

Friday, December 5, 2008

captive

Silenced

by knowledge
by compassion
by intimidation

Bound

by burden
by discipline
by righteousness

Powerless

by coersion
by confinement
by obligation

Hopeless

by silence
by bondange
and powerlessness
Snow crystals pristine, drifting down
silently, aloft upon the playful breeze
settling over the decorated panorama.

Silver scene and painted countryside
a whimsy of the Keeper of the skies
to enchant and delight the yuletide pilgrim

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

prison master

The adoring prison master
came to me and fell first sight
but not to leave his post he begged me
to share his firelight

He promised love and graced a ring
his bride lifted on a pedestal
then carried me across the threshold
to share his prison cell

Slowly he retreated from the
honeymooners quarters,
and ordered me to serve him from my
block, those were my orders

And then he locked the door,
and adored me from afar,
I loved but couldn't reach him,
me - his infuriating star.

He ranted and abused me when I
couldn't meet his needs
yet he feared to breech the lock
lest his obsession be set free

The adoring prison master
I fell in love with at first sight
Though he pain me, I'll not leave him
will not douse his firelight

cellar place

Tearing me down
Cutting me off
pushing me into the cellar

Stay there alone
Don't try to move
Shut up and survive the yeller

Why do you talk
No one could love you
Keep to yourself and to me

Stop with your groping
wishing and hoping
Stay put and stop trying to get free

I possess you
You're hated it's true
but no one can take what is mine

So stay out of sight
this is your bed tonight
know your place now and all will be fine

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Until Then

Discipline from the Father
Suffering like the Son
Growing in His image
Christ, You are the One

I love You

Keeping me from falling
Barring me from sin
Molding me to serve You
Christ, You let me in

I love You

Rejoicing in Your mercy
Waiting for the day
Weeping 'till I see You
Christ, You are the way

I love You

So keep me persevering
Comfort me in pain
Find me in Your lifebook
Sing with me again.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Get Behind Me

This is war!
plain and simple
and my opponent thinks he has me defeated
because I am dragging through the mud
bones broken and badly bleeding
slipping, falling into mines
that batter
bruise and
beat me
until seemingly...
I can't go on.
Yet he gapes in furious wonder
at every arduous step
one foot
in front of
the another
step
step
step
d
r
a
g
g
i
n
g
plodding,
PUSHING on
through the mud
against the assailant's arrows
beyond the impossible terrain
DRIVEN from within
by the Unstoppable Force
the Spirit of the Great Conqueror
to certain victory
forever.
IT IS FINISHED
so get behind me satan.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Tiny Candle

One candle in a thousand flames
do you even see it burning?
Surrounded by the light of those
whose lives just keep on turning.
Touching one and reaching out
to meet and find the light,
the candle slows to flickering
near fading out of sight...
Heave! and push! and blow up big!
send sparks into the air!
silent screams for victory
yet,
no one seems to care.
The candle keeps on burning
keeps on burning burning long,
almost snuffing out and yet
forever burning on...

Precious candle, small and blue,
it's I who light your fire.
I see you lost within the throng
but still you're My desire.
Your tiny wick aglow for Me
is surely not concealed,
though many seek the pompous flames,
for you, My love's revealed.
Don't give up or burn in vain
thinking that I do not see.
I ignite you from within,
My candle, Mine at Calvery.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Engine of Torment

It hits me and wrecks me
again and again.
Each time I move forward
I'm smacked by the train.

The engine of torment
its deadly impression
crushing my spirit
relentless depression.

The sorrow and anguish
cut deep through my core,
a grief like bereavement
I cannot take more.

I cry out please Father
"Have mercy on me!"
He replies once again
"My grace covers thee."

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Where I am

So many times I've been on the run
chasing freedom, back to the sun,
soul glancing to the skies
knowing You are with me.
Its so hard to calm my mood,
and find a place of solitude
to escape the bonds of man
those who demand
and demand and
demand
and so I run
and run and
run
knowing You are with me.
Desperate just to find a place
where I can cry without disgrace
free from disappointed eyes
I flee for You are with me.
And though I long to leave the pain
I know I must return again
I will survive both near and far
for where I am,
there You are
and always You are with me.

You

You are

E Eternal in the
V valley
E Enduring on the
R ridge -
Y YOU.
W Why do You even bother
H healing such a worthless
E ewe?
R Relentless in persuit
E Emancipation for the wicked

You.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Precious Wretch

Precious wretch
riddled with sin
My Holy Spirit safe within

You are hollow
emptied of you
I fill you up and make you new

You're a liar
desperate for love
I shower you from up above

and You're My sheep
in love with your Shepherd
I've conquered the adultrous leopard

and I give LIFE
envelope you
and do the things you cannot do

Friday, November 21, 2008

Wretched Sheep

I'm a wretch
riddled with sin
spilling over from within

and I am hollow
emptied of me
devoid of hope, unable to breathe

I'm a liar
desperate for love
though I'm showered from above

and I'm a sheep
in love with a Shepherd
while dancing with a leopard

and I feel death
envelope me
when I forget that I am free

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

hear My song

broken daughter
child so blue
please remember
that I hold you

the things of old
are yours to take
prophetic words
yours for My sake

please remember
that I healed
all for you
it's been revealed

walked on waves
knelt on stone
I did those things
for you alone

your heart in Mine
so please hold on
while you cry
please hear My song

my notes of love
from times of old
My life and death
for you retold

Falling Apart

desperate and shaking


she sought the
quiet side of the bathroom door
and sank to the floor


with the weapon
and the end of her rope
firmly in hand


she'd been here before
and she always shrank back
but tonight

He would have to take the matter
out of her hands

That stunted club
raised high above her head,
poised and full of dread,


Rage and pain rushing down
and coming to BLOW


upon the air...

upon the air...

not her dare

but the air

where the weapon hit
His invisible hand
outstretched before her body

and it feel apart


and all she heard was the shatter
of the matter
in pieces at her feet.


And she feel apart.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Tug of War

You come and go, destroy me so
Each small embrace, I crave your face
You tease and taunt, and make me want
your sweet embrace, my vice disgrace

And then I hear, a voice so dear
The one who waits, despite my traits
I know His love, is from above
so torn am I, with sorry eye

You pull me down, until I drown
My heart, I'm weak, Relief I seek
Can't stand the pain, give in again
Then fall in shame, no rights to claim

He lifts me up, and fills my cup
No face have I, and so I cry
He gently rights, my reds to whites
Deserving none, my feet they run

In illness fall, and then you call
my vice, deception, skewed perception
glittery, you're death to me
My dying hope, and so I grope

With arms to Him, weak and thin
I see the light, He clears my sight

And weighing me, upon my feet
You tear me down, and break my crown

I ache for Him, not you but Him

You idol toy, not safe, destroy

Tug of war, inside my core
It's Him I want, but you that taunts
I'm not dead, but Him instead
The war is won. Praise God the Son.

Predator

I am waiting for you

to fall off your feet
to make a wrong turn
to take your eyes off of His face

I am lying in wait

to prey on your pride
to ride on your lust
to drive a wedge into His grace

It is my desire

to see you in bonds
to cause you to suffer
to wrap your life in my oppression

You have no idea

that I hunt you down
that I crave your blood
that I am behind your depression

So keep closing down

your ears to His Word
your eyes to His might
your heart to His love-stricken voice

I don't want you to know

that you are His love
that you are forgiven
that between us, He gives you a choice.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Turn Back, Precious

My daughter, love, what have you done?
I told you back when we'd begun,
To hide in Me. I'll never leave,
my precious Jewel, yet still, I grieve.

I see you shaking, curled up tight,
bruised and broken, lost the fight.
I move to comfort and you run.
My daughter, why? We've just begun.

When you're hungry, first you seek
the empty poisons... you're so weak
and run to lovers poised with knife
to kill, destroy your precious life.

And glancing back, you shed a tear
because you see I am still near,
because you know I love you SO.
You need me precious. Please don't go.

I spoke to you the other night,
when day was done, by firelight
when you were just about to fall
I held your hand. You felt so small.

I know you heard your whispered name.
I weep for you, you feel such shame.
That shame, it angered Me to death!
I bought your freedom, gave you breath.

So breathe my precious, breathe in Me,
together we'll forever be,
souls entwined and love so sweet.
You, My child, My heart complete.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

If it's DARK, It's almost DAWN

When black, smothering darkness settles,
devoid of dingy shafts of hope -
a gloomy, grimy, indistinctness,
inky, rayless, slippery slope -

watch your step this nebulous hour,
bleak and lurid, dense and glum,
lightless, hopeless, black oppression -
Hold on, dear one. The hour has come.

Enter dawn with glittering glory,
brilliant, shining, radiant Son
ablaze, alight, aglow with freedom...
the beaming, dazzling day's begun.

It will not end, the golden brilliance
Bright, luminous, gleaming space,
Lustrous, shimmering, vivid Sonlight
infusing PEACE, resplendant grace...

So hold one, dear one, hold on.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Reality

The nightmare is not the illness,
with the night sweats and vertigo
every time you try to lift your head.

The nightmare is not the circumstance,
with the yelling and merciless abuse,
even though you try to lightly tread.

The dream is not the substitute,
the thing that relieves the pain
but becomes an addiction that binds.

The dream is not the world,
and the acquisition of everything in it.
Riches bring ills of many kinds.

Reality is not what you perceive,
the things you see and hear and touch,
for gone, these will all one day be.

Reality is beyond this veil,
and one day we shall all stand bare
to give account to God Almighty.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Beware

Depression without Christ
will turn to sin,
the wounded seeking ways
apart from God
to fill the overwhelming hole:

Shopping
Drinking
Dating
Marriage
Drugs
Writing

The Lord seeks to be
first
in your heart.
While some of these
in themselves are good,
(for who can give up the pen?)
they will turn to
idols of destruction
that lull you
into thinking all is well
when really
all will be hell
forever.

And Christians beware,
for you are not exempt
from the temptation
to construct a wooden doll
upon your mantlepiece.
Remember, depression is
an opportunity
to hide in God
and experience
His miraculous provision
for those
who seek Him.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

For all Time

For all time,
there is

One God, who saved
Two of every kind of creature.
Three persons of the Trinity, who created
Four headwaters.
Five loaves that fed five thousand, in His hands.
Six days given to work, and the
Seventh day given to rest, in

One God
who loves

One sinner
Two persons in a marriage
Three roommates in a campus bar
Four children at the park
Five sailors on a barge
Six players in a poker game, and,
Seven times seventy times will He forgive all,

for all time

because of the
One sacrifice

of His
One Son,

my
One God,

and my
One hope

for all time.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Northeaster

The glorious ship from Egypt
the Alexandrian,
loaded with grain and hundreds of sailors,
was my caravan of trade and commerce
headed to Italy, to make lots of money.
Along the way we met
Julius the centurian,
carting some prisoners
over to stand trial before Caesar,
so I took them aboard.
Why not?
Among them was Paul,
who could have been set free, I was told,
if he hadn't prematurely made his appeal.
What a fool.

It was getting late in the season,
but I knew my ship - she was hardy.
The Romans they used to say,
"To sail after mid September is doubtful,
and after mid-November -
suicide,"
but what did they know?
We had a bit of rough going, sure,
but I found what I was looking for,
the gentle southwind...
...and we set sail along the coast,
(against Paul's warnings
and religious ramblings)
seeking the harbour that would protect my
beautiful Alexandrian
until March, the end of winter.
Julius was on board.

But that precious southwind was
an adulterous liar,
enticing me soothingly
while she slept with the Northeaster,
the Northeaster
whose rage fell upon us as a jealous husband
whose territory had been violated.
We had no business in those waters,
for he came sweeping down from the island of Crete,
a typhoon with hurricane force,
and we lost all hope of standing our ground
being driven along
in terror.
We sailed with all our might
tossing the cargo overboard,
dragging the sea anchor beneath the ship's tackle
which I flung over the side with my own hands,
my precious mainsail becoming
another hopeful brake for my Alexandrian.
The sun and the stars hid for many days
until we gave up all hope of being saved.
In desperation
we had passed ropes under the ship
to hold her together,
not knowing that
the smallest detail
would keep her afloat:
that we had Paul,
and Paul had God.

Fourteen days and nights
we did not eat,
but lived on adreniline and suspense
praying for daylight.
Who was I praying to?
Finally we sensed we were nearing land,
and the soundings confirmed it.
Some sailors tried to escape on the lifeboat
we had nearly lost to the storm,
but Paul,
who claimed to have angels speaking to him,
warned Julius,
"unless they stay, you die."
Julius was on board,
and the soldiers cut the ropes.
And then Paul did the craziest thing...
he opened the remaining grain,
the lifeblood of the Alexandrian,
and drained her to the ravenous men,
urging them to eat,
while giving thanks to God.
And my Alexandrian died,
dashed to pieces by the pounding surf
on a sandbar when daylight came.
But every disoriented sailor
survived
because we had Paul,
and Paul had God.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Laugh

The depressed, they
L Laugh
A at
U unfelt
G glee,
H hiding their desire to flee,

for who wants to see them

C Cry,
R Retched tears stored up from
Y years of wanting to die?

And Christians are the

W worst -
O owning everything
R rightfully God's,
S showing straight-faced strength
T they think they ought to have,

but don't,
for the victory is

H His.
I Incredibly given, but
S solely His.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Like Fire

I can't survive this
broken life,
one more round.
I'm beaten down
over and over
and
over
I wish it were over...
I push my
bloodied face
off the floor and
he beats me down again
with His words
like fire
R I P P I N G
through my
soul,
shredded and bare.
I know You're there
why else would I be
here?
It's almost a joke,
a cruel punishment,
that every time
I want to lie down
and stay at
the bottom of this ring,
You pull me up again
for the 4 spectators -
little boxer
apprentices -
at each corner
of this battleground
and I can't let them
down.
Condemned to life -
that's me,
in this ring
dead on my feet
fighting with your
hand in my glove,
and I know
I'm not going
to lose it
here.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Desperate

To my left
in shifting shadows
three accusers
glared at me,
Desperate to
descend the gavel,
choking out
my right to be.

I knew this had to
be a dream,
for I was told
to make no sound,
but close enough
to feel His warmth,
my One defender
held my ground.

His presence 'whelmed me
with His glow,
A tangible, pervading
...love...
filling me
beyond the night,
a mercy message
from above.

Awake, the darkness
marks the day
and deep despairing
hems me in,
seeking desperately
to ever,
once more
fall asleep in Him.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Jesus wept.
Silent tears
streaming
in tandem with my own,
and I
am not alone.

Friday, November 7, 2008

The Fourth Watch

This lake
living far below the sea,
is the ambition of nature,
a fertile ground giving life
and livelihood to
all who are born into it.
It was the perfect climate
to give rise to myths and legends...
but this is no myth.

We gathered round for evening prayer
and boarded the wooden craft
upon a surface glistening
a silver path to Capernaum.
The silence reflected in our minds eye
the hours spent
shepherding crowds of lost sheep
and mourning the baptist
whose blood still runs through
the heart of the Jordan
into this lake.

It was the fourth watch.

It was the fourth watch when
down from the eastern heights,
funneling through the valleys of the hill country,
the rushing squall met us.
And soon we were straining at the oars
begging for forgiveness,
one passenger short -
the One we left on the mountainside to pray,
the One who fed us
and thousands more this day.
I could not understand, but now I know.

Fighting the ten foot waves,
losing the battle,
I tossed my oar to the charging wind
toward a shadow appearing steadily,
w
a
l
k
i
n
g
across the waves
towards us
and into the boat
that had reached its destination
on a calm silvery lake.

He will come again during the fourth watch
when the sun will be darkened and the moon
will not give it's light.
At that time, His sign will appear in the sky,
and begin to shake everything out,
as it did that night.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

In a Ragged Manger

Taste this bread, this bitter loaf,
cold and hard, unleavened.
My only food from day to day,
like manna straight from heaven.

Touch this cave, my prison walls,
a cold and dirty darkness,
with lions preying on my flesh,
whose teeth have lost their sharpness.

Hear the cries that mark my breath,
a constant sobbing stranger,
like the Babe whose mother placed
Him in a ragged manger.

Smell the stench of rotting clothes
that bind me up for death,
the graveclothes that my Lord removed
when Lazarus drew breath.

See me raise my feeble arms,
to praise the suffering tide,
For while I ache, I understand
just how and why He died.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Its a pity people think suicidal people cry wolf,
when they say over and over, they want to die.
Perhaps the timing wasn't right
or they thought they saw a glimmer of hope,
when at first their despair brought someone to move
close to them and tell them they were
worth
the trouble.
Problem is the sickness doesn't just go away
and there came another day, when they cried again
and then weren't worth the inconvenience
for they didn't learn their lesson the first time
and if they didn't do it then, they won't do it now.
Its no crime to be depressed,
but it is a crime to be alone,
punishable by death, insanity by isolation,
like crucifixion
boy does the punishment fit the crime
He brought life, so kill him.
She wants love, so leave her.
When the suicidal monster asked, please help me
the lover became the warden, and had to go fix dinner.

When Christians Cry

Why can't Christians be depressed?
We have emotions like the rest.
In fact, it's God who made us thus,
to think and feel and smile and fuss.

And don't blame God and say He's bad
because I'm broken, lost and sad.
He made us perfect in those days.
It's SIN that butchers all His ways.

Earthquakes, bombs, why war and death?
This SIN disease that marks our breath.
It makes me sick until I cry,
I'm drowning God! I want to die!

But don't you scoff. I know He hears.
The only One to wipe my tears.
All of you just me despise.
You ooze disdain with haughty eyes.

And some of you take "pity" on
this poor "Christian" who sighs so long.
Forget the knowledge you must share.
I need a hug, some simple care.

Don't tell me not to be depressed!
Forgive my God, who knows what's best.
I may be cured, or I may die,
but God sheds tears when Christians cry.

foreshadow piece

It fell apart...

That stunted club raised high above her head,
poised and full of dread,

Rage and pain rushing down and coming to BLOW

upon the air...

with crushing force
and all she heard was the shatter
of the matter

in pieces at her feet.

And she feel apart.

God of Pain

God of Pain

You Christins break the rules,
I see you sinning all the time!
Just look. This one is smoking,
and those priests. Ugh. What a crime.

Don't you know you should be perfect?
Look at you, you are depressed!
I thought Christians were all happy.
You think you're better than the rest.

You say, Scott, we are forgiven.
We're forgiven. Don't you see?
But all I see is disappointment,
what I call hypocrisy.

Your depression, it takes over,
'till you can't get out of bed.
Can't your Jesus come and fix you?
Can't He lift your weary head?

Yeah, My Pa, he was a "Christian",
and he had no time for me.
The taste of truth is much too bitter.
He was God to me you see.

My ma... I prayed to Jesus,
please, to heal her of her fever.
Yet she left and I lost hope.
How could He be the Great Reliever?

Besides, your Master, He was broken.
He was nailed to brutal wood.
Just to love me? As my dad should?
I'd believe it if I could.

I'd believe it if I wanted
but I see you long to die.
I see you suffer through depression,
yet you're here, and I ask why?

You're in anguish nearly always
Yet your faith has worn your knees.
God of pain, He leaves you living.
God of rain, your pain is eased.

You say to be a true disciple,
you must suffer like your King,
to be made into His image.
I don't like that sort of thing.

I suppose if you believe it,
that a soul could learn from crying...
that a perfect God would love you,
and a loving God went dying...

I suppose if I could have,
just a little of your stuff...
How I see you truly dying
yet you think that God's enough...

Perhaps I could rethink my thoughts
and take His gift to me,
But my knees are stiff from pride.
I'd have to break to bend the knee.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

jesus - hook

J Justifying,
E encouraging me to be
S something largely more than me.
U unable and ill, He loves me
S still.

O Often I'm crying,
F fearful and dying.
N No one sees this pain, I'm
A abused again, and
Z zealous not for the things of God,
A acting out no christian desire and
R running to the fire, but He
E ever weeps for me
T trading my soul for
H His

Friday, October 31, 2008

One more thing, she says
I found this in your bag
This wrinkled old paper
old ink across the tag
from when we were going somewhere together
when we met on the shores and we talked
and i looked at you
pleading eyes,
you never looked in mine
I studied the side of your face
the stubble upon His work of grace
No one knew you , understood
I defended you and kept you good
i did not see the man they saw
they saw not the man beneath the jokes
or maybe that was what i thought
some truth in there i never payed any attention to
but i love you and i'm loyal still
for all you do you've never betrayed me
unless you count the times you strike me
across the heart when you were mad
i love you still and won't be sad
if i am sad, you are hurt
needing to be protected
wounded boy so sensitive
kind and caring when you are loved
defensive because of when you were beaten
yet i am no beater, looking up to you
wanting your love, your eyes
protecting you
perhaps i always sought your eyes
to make them turn my way
when no one else could. they did not see your cheek
the strong jawline twitch when they hurt you again
the man within, the boy
the one who couldn't live for joy.
the one God saved. the one He loves.
and I love you too.
You love me. I know it even when you hate me
when you regard me as gum on your shoe
scraping me off, chewing me up again
but you love me
when you spit me out, you know i'm still there
you don't know my hurt because you
don't look in my eyes
how can you see?
these eyes of mine searching for you
to turn your gaze upon me
even if to strike me again
look at me, please
I imagined that you looked at me, when you asked for my hand
and though you clutch it tightly, do you see me?
you keep me firmly in your crushing grip, do you see me?
i never knew the pain it would be
to live without your eyes.
i will take your abuse, you hold my hand
i will feel your bruising blow, i imagine you understand
who else will love me if not you
it is me who is to blame it's true
maybe not always but i wonder if you could ever make me leave?
hit me, punch me, kick me, give me something
to make this pain real, and not just an empty ache in my heart
you leave me with nothing.
for we are yet unseen, no one sees us
am i safe in your arms? is there danger?
yes, real danger, real pain. when will you love me again?
did you ever trust me? am i the shrew you knew you knew?
i love you and i want you
to look into my eyes
please stop hurting me
stop loving me with your fists, and look into my eyes
if you are going to keep stabbing me
could you do it for real so that i'm not just crazy?
so that its not all me, so that its not
all me who deserves it? stupid wench
i ache to see your eyes
the longer you love me the more you leave me
what have i done to hurt you? i serve you
you lock me up so no one can see
you don't even see because
you don't look this way
then you know what you know
and you know that i'm not leaving,
or perhaps you think i will and that's why you
hold me so tightly, crushing me
then caressing me
then crushing
caressing
keeping me far enough from anyone else
no place to go to escape
when i don't want escape
i want your eyes

dying

Help me please, Alone again
I cannot change this, cannot win
I'm aching just to feel Your love
to feel acceptance from above
I feel my sin, so sick am I
A deadly ill come over I
Find me not in solitary
Weeping still involuntary
Begging God to end this walk
please send someone so I can talk
Quietness it's own disease
Killing me, oh hear my pleas.
Forced to keep it to myself
Locked in the cellar by myself
No light of day, no window pane
No warmth to feel, just endless rain
He holds the key and hides it well
To keep me locked up in my cell
I can't get out, and if I try
I pay the price, and live to cry
Hear me God, have mercy now
Its hopeless for me, worthless cow

lonely one

Fighting back a lonely wave
Washing o'er a mask so brave
Music echoes 'round the place
No ears to hear, just filling space
Perched upon a stool I write
Inkwell pooled with soul's life-light
Trembling hands they draw the words
And paint a picture never heard
Searching for a heart to hear
to love the author and draw near
Heavy waves cresting forth
Pushing 'way the solid earth
No place to stand, can't see the sun
Ever searching, lonely one.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

I do not know what I should do
My heart it aches to see this through
And yet I know that You have plans
And keep me safely in Your hands
I call on You, I do, I do.
No strength have I, lest I have You.
My tears have bathed the book in pain
Your blood has washed me like the rain
I beg for You, I need Your grace
Your love to fill me in this place
Your love forgives my deepest sin
I must forgive. Let love begin.
The time has come, to face my fear
Please hold us close, there's danger here.
The battle rages, beating down
To overcome us, make us drown.
She held my face between her hands
And danced with me, I could not stand
Your love she gives and shows me how
to love another here and now
My friend you tell me, face the skies
Take a stand and lift my eyes.
For love must know the pain it brings
Rough caresses, love it stings
Alone I stand and no one knows
For how such love can come to blows
I'm weak I tell you, face the skies?
I cannot even lift my eyes.
My shame it follows where I go
For I deserve the pain I know.
I'm sorry I have let you down
Let you down, and let you down.
I love you so and long to please
But I am worthless, and diseased.
I'm sorry that I've let you down
I've let you down. I've let You down
I'm sorry that I've let you down
My shame it follows, lets you down
I'm not your hero, shameful life
I've let you down, no hero's wife.
no strength to fight, no way to turn
I have to learn

Thursday, October 23, 2008

I read Your Word
It spoke to me,
Yet I am broken
a wetch you see.
You know my sins
And know my scars
You love me still
remove these bars

Monday, October 20, 2008

Abandonment

Why do I fear you leaving me?
Walking off and bleeding me?
Naked before you, I stand bare.
Abandonment, I've had my share.
The ones who are supposed to be,
unconditional to me,
Have tied their love to threads so thin,
I cannot hold them, cannot win.
They choose their way, by whim and will,
And threaten me, my heart to spill.
I'm tossed about by sheer neglect,
by raging storms and disrespect.
They know what's best, apart from me.
Abandoning and bleeding me.
Then coming back to taunt and tease,
The ups and downs too much, so please,
Just stay or go. Please stay, don't go.
I can't be close, can't be alone.
My fear has cut me off from you.
Stop pretending. You can't be true.
Alone I stand. Alone I fall.
I cannot take this. Not at all.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Small and Sick

How small am I
that shuffles by
pride unbroken
madness spoken

I think I'm big
mud-caked pig
ant so tiny
ranting, whiny

How great is He
that conquered me
Condemned my sin
and let me win

the surgery
that made me clean
splashed blood on Him
infectious sin

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Pen and Poet

Life is a verse
and God is the Poet.
Love is the pen
And the means which we know it.

Like Father, like son
As a parchment on fire,
The pen is the sword
in the hand of His hire.

A fluttering quill
in the hand of His creature
is mic in the palm
of the bottled-up preacher.

Ink is the lifeblood
His Son is the well.
Love is the story
the Author must tell.

The Source and the Simple
A duet of prose,
The Simple forgiven
when Poet arose.

The poetry finished,
it's message fulfilled.
The preacher still preaching
'till all has been stilled.

Life is a verse
and God is the poet
The pen is the heart
and the means which we know it.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Like My Peter

Like Peter on the waves that night
My heart beats faster, fears give flight
My gaze is fixed upon your Face
My feet hold steady, fears give chase
All around the storm grows higher
Your gaze afixed on me inspires
Port in the storm, Light in the night
You held my Peter, fears give flight.
But move my eyes from Your sweet hold
The water climbs and I am sold
Drowning under waves of fear
I'm cannot breathe and death is near
Do not let me look around
For You alone are solid ground.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Bird upon the Snow

I can't handle you
Its really too much
Your loving words
and strong painful touch
The warmth of your breath
The ice in your hands
the chill down my spine
from your whispered demands
Your teasing tentacles
strangle my heart
The vine of your poison
binds me apart
Each time you glance up
You draw me down
Caught in a riptide
can't breathe so I drown
I plead you to go
I can't bear your knife
You keep me by hope
Yet destroy my life
Like a bird on the snow
Fed food in autumn
could've fled south
now starving, hits bottom
You promise and tease
my heart caught in pain
you hurt me with words
and destroy me again.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

overwhelmed

I need help
Its all around
Can't see it now
but hear the sound
The thunder threatens
rains begin
and soon the torrent
rushes in
The floods rise up
They're all around
and soon my feet
have left the ground
Can't see the sky
Can't feel the earth
But feel the pain
for all its worth
Closing in
and choking me
Soon won't hear
nor will I see
I need Your hand
to help me breathe
to calm the storm
my fear relieve
Please help me God
its closing in
I need You now
Oh please come in.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

You lied to me

You lied to me.
Your words promised love and commitment
to a hungry woman
weak from abuse
Your actions said maybe
and dangled a carrot in front of my nose
A taste.. just enough to want more
and over time..
more..
and
more
until I am so desperate for your promise
of love
and tortured as I am led around - the promise just out of reach
the love you fully thought I could reach
you dangled before a helpless woman
giving enough to tease
You lied to me
thinking you were giving help and hope
you never looked back
to see if i could eat
when each step, you were out of reach
and you crushed me
tore open wounds
baring raw pain
again and again
each step of pain
the trail marked with tears
You lied to me in honesty
thinking it should have been enough
as I starved
and die again
proven right
again

Strangely out of reach

Strangely out of reach,
There's an emptiness to this room that once held your face.
Its quiet now and peace has come,
Yet shadows play against the wall, the price of peace was the loss of you.
Pleasant walls, pictures and memories,
new friends - the train has left for a new destination.
The movie ended - a passionate whirlwind romance
a relationship built on heat and turmoil, alive..
..like two ships passing in the night -
you bid me farewell at the station.
I cannot tell, if ever our paths will cross again.
I invited you to come
but, you said, your life is elsewhere, sorry kid, its time to go.
You'll be fine.
So in this new place.. heat dissolved, pleasant place
devoid of you,
of the passion.
There's an emptiness to this room that once held your face.

Strangely out of reach

Strangely out of reach,
There's an emptiness to this room that once held your face.
Its quiet now and peace has come,
Yet shadows play against the wall, the price of peace was the loss of you.
Pleasant walls, pictures and memories,
new friends - the train has left for a new destination.
The movie ended - a passionate whirlwind romance
a relationship built on heat and turmoil, alive..
..like two ships passing in the night -
you bid me farewell at the station.
I cannot tell, if ever our paths will cross again.
I invited you to come
but, you said, your life is elsewhere, sorry kid, its time to go.
You'll be fine.
So in this new place.. heat dissolved, pleasant place
devoid of you,
of the passion.
There's an emptiness to this room that once held your face.

Friday, September 5, 2008

my concrete bridge

This wet day flashes cross my mind the beauty of the bridge.
It calls me to discover what is hidden 'yon the ridge.
Concrete cold beneath my feet is hard and brittle, broken.
Yet somehow if I think beyond, I see the hope unspoken.
Atop the crest, I view a racing highway 'neath my feet,
and trace its path horizonward, my heart begins to beat.
It calls me to step off and soar the journey like a dove.
Get off this concrete bridge and see the world from up above.
The wind and traffic wildly toss my hair across my face.
I've studied this horizon till my heart begins to race.
I know the place and time, the perfect angle to the sky,
when all the keys unlock my feet to take to flight and fly.
You see a broken bridge, on the outside cracked and broken,
but beyond the concrete surface is a beauty yet unspoken.



part 2 - sept 7
i see the traffic fast below
and know that this is not the bridge
there can be no one else around
no other life beneath the ridge
the details now, they bother me
too many things that don't belong
my heart sinks lower with my reason
seeing clearly, this is wrong
knowing how and when and where
do not make me search the sky
but knowing these - equip my feet
upon an impulse think they fly
there are no bridges i can find
that truly hold the answer
i wish another heart could know
the pain that is this cancer
and seek to find the battle scars
and paint them lovely tender
my fragile spirit longs for sleep
and hope is growing slender
all is well yet not at all
safe - yet screaming danger
my tiny soul upon a bridge
confused and lonely stranger

i've lost heart

I break off my heart
one piece at a time
I give it with pain
as a gift, what was mine.
We married our hearts
to create a sweet bond,
but now I reach out
and you've ceased to respond.
Perhaps you are moved
in your heart of emotion,
but that gives me nothing
not even a notion,
that anyone cares
to know me at all.
I'd save me some heartache
to talk to the wall.
Forgive me if this seems
too harsh or too cruel.
A broken-heart dishrag
I'm everyone's fool.
A piece of me's lost
each time that I share.
I give it to you
for safekeeping and care.
But how do I know
if my heart you've received?
Or tossed out my life
with the junk to be heaved.
Nothing to lose or to gain,I'm
- dejected.
I was broken before and now I'm
- rejected.
I'll just say it once,
at the end of my rope:
Talking has failed,
I've a new way to cope.
I cannot deny
that I've lost will and heart :(
Goodbye my sweet friend as
for now we must part.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

stupid game

i've got an idea
lets play this game
i'll fake a smile
and take all the blame
you fake a hug
and call out a number
and as i step closer
my smiling will slumber
and when we connect
you call out a name
then run to home free
and i'll take the blame
we'll call it pretend
cuz we'll never meet
the smiles will keep coming
the hugs all have feet
i've got an idea
i don't like this game
you get all the glory
i get the shame

escape

i long for peace
escape
a mountain hideaway
like Elijah
when his spirit was grey
when life was a broken treasure
in shaking hands
ready to fall and
buried in the sands
of time
eroding, blowing away...
plodding on to the peak
finding a cave
so quiet
to hear
the voice of God speak

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

AUTUMN

A loft the fingers of the tree

U nder auburn skies I see

T urning hues of ember brown

U ntil tempo woos them down

M using, I upon the limbs

N ote the Artist's playful whims

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

To My Ruth

I am Naomi and you are my Ruth.
You've loved me through Jesus in spirit and truth.

It rips me apart, I just don't understand
why you hadn't yet simply let go of my hand.

The problem is mine but its killing me so.
I urged you to leave but don't want you to go.

I've nothing to offer, in fact, I'm a weight.
I slow down your journey with my broken gait.

It hurts me so much to hope you're still here
but God keeps on saying I've nothing to fear.

Now that you've loved me the way that you do,
I can't go on living without more of you.

Does love equal pain? Yes - when you're lonely,
when no one has ever stayed close but you only.

What's left for us? You could kill with a smile.
I love you already - too late for denial.

God is teaching me true sacrifice.
I'm nothing but awful but He paid the price.

I've nothing to offer my Ruth but my love
and pray that she's blessed by my God up above.

My Ruth are you leaving or staying today?
Is my fearful heart fleeing or praying to stay?

I fear I am broken each way it may go.
I'm undone. I'm undone... because I love you so.

forgotten

f ire was started
o nly to drown
r ushing wind and rain
g oing down down
o nto the embers
t otally drenched
t ossed to the ocean
e ntrenched
n ever to be sought again

Wick of Hay

The wind is always shifting,
changing, never stays the same.
We are born but for a moment
just to leave as ne'er we came.

Our footprints mark the sand
but impressions are so shallow.
Barely are they seen before
the changing tide does follow.

A name - a fleeting boast
crumpled dust upon the breeze.
The heart, a rhythmic hopebeat
like a drop upon the seas.

Like a spark of ready powder
is the pride of man at day,
a flash of willful arrogance
snuffed out as wick of hay.

Before the words are spoken
life is gone, it did not matter.
The hopes and dreams and passions
are like bones upon a platter.

Life is always shifting,
changing, never stays the same.
Hope is born but for a moment
just to leave as ne'er it came.

Monday, September 1, 2008

White clouds on crystal blue
Drifting softly o'er the hue

Fragrant breeze
through rustling leaves

The peaceful whispered sound of You

Water lapping ever more
the warm and soft sandy shore

Majestic mountains
Flowing fountains

Refreshing, strong, the sight of You

Petals unfolding to the sun
Their sawying dance just begun

Intoxicating
Invigorating

Sweet and pure, the scent of You

Wood splintering, crossing beams
Nails pounding, silent screams

Senses filled
Pleasure spilled

Pure sacrifice, the heart of You

The boulder rolling far and wide
Angels looming near the tide

Shouting vict'ry
O'er Calvery

Redemption here, the touch of You.

Friday, August 29, 2008

four boys blues

baby is crying, crying, crying
mommy is spinning, singing, sighing
pot bubbles over, kids need shoes
mommy is singing the 4 boys blues

baby is laughing, laughing, laughing
mommy is trying to increase staffing
daddy is working, need more bacon
the four boys blues, my body's achin'

baby is crawling, bawling, crawling
mommy is juggling, tripping, falling
big boys are eating, snacks aplenty
four boys blues, the fridge is empty

baby is running, streaking, dashing,
big boys are yelling, screaming, crashing
mommy is frantic, where are my shoes?
under the toybox, four boys blues

baby is giggling, wiggling, giggling
little sibs are growing into big things
mommy is laughing, daddy is home
the four boys blues is a joyful poem

Thursday, August 28, 2008

twisted pop

sticky dreams and
fickle themes
I'm jealous of that girl it seems

green and slimy
i'm sublimely
grotesque - twisted
brain unlisted

find me firstly
parched and thirsty
cute and crazy,
she so hazy

i'm adoring, left me boring
left me, left me
left me boring

sticky moods and fickle foods
Her mantle charms me,
taunts me, broods

colored pop
and lava rocks
she's so funky, like a junkie

i'm just me
and glad to be
her heart is red
she's mad and free

unfriendly, twisted
mask unlisted
cut the line and
i'm jus' fine

Monday, August 18, 2008

Ancient Song

On the wings of purest dawn
Come the notes of simple song
A breath of calm, open long
The book is open, heart to psalm

Pages wrinkled, smudged in tears
Spread across a thousand years
Sweetly whispered in the breeze
The ballad flowing through the trees

Echoes from the heart below
Breathing deep and weeping slow
Alone the shores that lap and flow
accompany the solo

High above the gentle wings
Drink deep the melody she sings
Lilting low the pain it rings
Across the ages truth it brings

A song so deep in every man
The broken soldier, babe in hand,
a trodden path across the land
through every heart this music spans

She sings it high and deep this song
The ancient trees have heard it long
Not to one does she belong
A solo in a moving throng

Singing sweetly on her knees
A long slow ballad on the breeze
Calling 'cross the endless seas
An echo of an ancient plea

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

alone

A lways at core
L iving for more
O nly a hole
N ever consoled
E ver poor

Saturday, August 9, 2008

recurring dream

Walking the path in a thunderstorm
rain on her face, trying to keep warm.
A thoughtless haven, soothing and cool,
Feet fall heavy through the muddy pool.
Far away, she's seeking home
her spirits drenched right to the bone.
Lightning splits the sky above
echoing sweet thoughts of love.
The moody journey rather bleak.
Thunder dancing, silver streaks.
A place to breathe, its freeing pain
to run and scream and drink the rain.
She welcomes danger, does not care.
There's freedom when she dares to dare.
The Lamb was slain. He knows the pain.
He's been out dancing, kissed the rain.
No one here to make demands
hidden 'neath the trees command.
Running faster, whipping trees,
stumbling, falling to her knees.
Can't go on. She cries no sound.
Unashamed, she's lost and found.
Wrenching anguish, sobbing release.
Spent and exhausted she slips into sleep.
Quietly now, rain steadily falling.
Just wind in the trees and nobody calling.
She sleeps in the muck, no one near to stare.
In pain and in freedom, she did dare to dare.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

untitled

Doesn't matter what I see... but what Your love has done for me.
Anguish, pain. I'm ripped apart.. but cling to hope for Your new start.

All I see is darkness churning, lightning flashing, leaves upturning.
Wind is whipping, stinging faces, Blinding men to God's oasis.
Save me God - the storm is coming, heart is hammering, wildly running.
Tempest nears, will wash away, my strength and hope to live today.
The rain begins, deep fountains gush, flooding, rushing over us.
For forty days I cannot swim, forty nights will do me in.
I saw the ark, the saving path, the rescue from the Master's wrath.
The door is sealed, I'm stuck outside, no place to run, to climb or hide.
The waters are too much for me, I'm drowning in a tortured sea.
The waves crash high above my head. It's quiet now under the shed.
My lungs are burning, tide's above. Overturn me, greace and love.
Your tender voice, and gentle hand, will pull me out and make me stand.
The wrath is Yours but You jumped in, left the ark to cleanse my sin.
You'll pull me out and set me free. I'm on the deck, You're in the sea.
My breath is gone, almost lost. You counted me above the cost.
You pull me out and wash me clean.. a new land soon but yet unseen.

Doesn't matter what I see... but what Your love has done for me.
Anguish, pain.. I'm ripped apart... but cling to hope for Your new start.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

He Is.

He knows my every thought. He's well aquainted with sorrow.
His gentle hand is powerful and holding my tomorrow.
He's the Master of the world and a conquerer of Kings
Yet He visits me in brokenness and to my hurt He sings
A smoldering wick, a bruised reed, my spirit He won't break
He's a Fire all consuming, yet for me His heart does ache.
My world is tossed about like the crashing of the sea
Yet He's master of the waves that He walked upon for me
I can face tomorrow for He holds me in His hand
And when I'm weak and trembling, His footprints mark the sand
So I will not fear the valley of the shadow of death
Though young men fall and stumble, He holds my every breath

Monday, June 23, 2008

Help me God to please escape
I need help to get out
Soon I'm going to break apart
or just implode without a doubt
Help me God I need you now
I'm drifting out to sea
I'm so afraid I've gone too far
to swim back to reality
I just can't do this on my own
And yet I fear to share
Oh God I need Your help today
before I find despair
Help me please I am locked up
I cannot fight or flee
I can only see the dark
the hopelessness of me
I see a way that leads to doom
Paths that lead to death
Help me God to see a path
that leads to living breath
I feel so bad today to see
only awful choices
Only You can help me now
to conquer all these voices
Help me God that is my plea
I'm weak and falling down
Please have mercy on my soul
Save me before I drown

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

hopeless

The truth of it all just cuts to my heart
There's no way to change who I am on my part
And those that I love whom I ache to belong
Cannot return my love or my song
People try to comfort with what they can find
But the truth is reality, is hard, is not blind
And it hurts, is so hard, is a tough thing to see
But seeing the truth is the honest way to be
Make no excuses, and try not to lie
Sometimes no life is left but to sigh
It doesn't matter if I am in pain
The ones that I love must leave me again
The reality is that goodbyes are in order
Prolonging this fact gives my heart such disorder
This cell is mine and can't be shared
Even if someone I loved truly cared
I give up, I'm leaving this wrapping behind
Good bye to the hope that is being blind

Sunday, May 11, 2008

drywall board

Things are not always what they seem
they might be bright and seem to gleam
but really things are not so bright
beneath it something is not right
sometimes there's a subtle clue
a tinted screen, a tainted hue
sometimes there's no clue at all
no suspect break in the wall
like mould behind a drywall board
you cannot see the rotting place
it won't be fixed until it shows
Then it has to be replaced
Things are not always as they seem
they seem to shimmer, shine and gleam
but what really is behind
the perfect shadow of the mind?

Monday, May 5, 2008

I'm missing a nut - loopy in the head
Can't find the screwdriver to put me back instead
I'm gonna fall apart and do a good job
Find the perfect way to become a super blob
I'm just a brick shy of a truly wacky load
Gonna find the perfect way to simply implode
Crash boom bang, she makes noise but doesn't run
Talk talk talk, she aint a lot of fun
See this? Big deal... forget about the fix
Chew it up and spit it out, throw it in the mix
Who cares? Go away. Whats the big deal?
Stop trying to find ways to heal heal heal.
It aint gonna happen, I'm a nut through and through
Go away and leave cuz I'm too messed up for you.
!!!!

Sunday, May 4, 2008

bound

Round and round in circles - make a tight little ball
layer after layer of the same chorded stall
sometimes winding slower... almost breaking off
back to spinning crazily the moment I may scoff
tightly wrapped, hypnotizing, never to unwind
Bending ever hopelessly wrapping up my mind
Add another layer, its all I know to do
Focus ever harder drilling deeper through and through
A perfect binding strapped upon the ball that holds so tight
Perfect chorded strength to resist my tiny might
Wrap another strand around the ball, go round and round
Work it ever tighter until I hit the ground.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

no more opinions please

A voice on the left, a voice on the right
Opinions behind and advice in my sight
So many people who know what to do
So many folks with answers that are true
Why do they feel so at ease to control?
To tell me they're right and I ought to enroll?
Too many options to listen to one
One says something the other does shun
Quit with the talking and stop the advice
I know that you're all just trying to be nice
Maybe I just need to follow the Lord
stop trying to please every person in store
Tired of caring what everyone thinks
Jesus release me before my boat sinks!
I need to be free to make my own decisions
Without condemnation, without the derision
Free me to live and to breathe to be me
Following God, the true authority

Saturday, February 23, 2008

too late

Where are you? You are not here.
Perhaps if I hadn't had fear.
Maybe if I had looked for you...
Taken a chance you'd be here too
18 years and now you're gone.
Too short to live, for you, too long.
I let myself get in the way.
I knew exactly what to say.
My silence helped you to the grave.
Selfishness is all I gave.
Now all I can do is nothing at all.
You will not hear, I cannot call.
I've empty hands I cannot fill.
You didn't know me, never will.
Someone told me about you.
It was my choice to do or not do.
Because of me. Why did you die?
Forgive me Lord that now I cry.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

bored

i
i did
i did this
i did this to
i did this to take
i did this to take up
i did this to take up SPACE

Saturday, January 12, 2008

the view

are the windows broken?
or the glass completely bare?
is the view distorted?
or the truth just plainly there?
do sneaky vandals marr the panes
scrawling doctrines wide
or maybe carefully painting
details from the inside?
splashing bits of coloured truth
till the viewer unaware
no longer sees the image
that originally was there?
or maybe truth is clearer still
than what a person knows?
the view they feel distorted
is the one that plainly shows
no sheers fall in the way
to soften crystal sight
reality is harsh
in the clear unscattered light
tell me now what lies beyond
the windows of my mind...
is truth a bold companion?
or perception clearly blind?